Living in America: The Diner

I have been to a diner before. I have had breakfast in a diner, and lunch in a diner. And both times I wondered why people go to the diner. Ghastly, unhealthy food when there are better options close by.
But last night, courtesy of son's friend's father, I was educated in what diners are *really* for. They are the post-cinema, post-drinking calorie intake station. They are the place where the relatively sober, civilised crowd gets their late night supper, and then if you hang out a little longer the less sober, crowd begins to give the staff some hassle. This, evidently, is why diners all have the little note on the door that says service will be refused to anyone who... (insert qualifier here).

Son's friend's father is a well travelled man, and we figured out between us that late night diner is the USA equivalent of the kebab shop. Where else can you get unhealthy calories at 3 am that you wouldn't even touch in broad daylight? Where else can you get the carbs that create the illusion that they have soaked up the excess alcohol you consumed? Or, in our case, where else can the collective parental taxi service drink tea and eat waffles at midnight while waiting to pick up sons from a late night party?